This is the type of thing the man I was with for 37 years says to me. He said it to my daughter this time--now an adult, like all my kids--but these are the same kinds of things he would tell them growing up to try to alienate them against me. Luckily, my daughter caught on and took a screenshot of it right before he deleted it.
Thats the exact reason why I no longer talk to him on Facebook Messenger--because he constantly edits and deletes the nasty messages he sends me so theres no trace left behind. He cant pull that trick with regular text messages or emails. Its also why I refuse to talk to him on the phone anymore. If I speak to him on the phone, he can say whatever cruel, crazy things he wants to me and Im left with zero proof of what he actually said.
Its been a long time since I last posted on this blog--I think the last time was right after my father died. Back then, whenever I wrote here, I would always pretend I was happy and in a great relationship. But that was so far from the truth. I was only doing it to stick it to my mother--to get back at her for everything she did to my father and all the lies she told about him, even though in her twisted mind, she probably actually believed those lies were true. The truth is, I was only ever happy with my kids. My kids were my entire life, and they were all I cared about. Thats what I thought I was sacrificing for: to give them a good life. But in the end, all his arguing with me and disrespecting me in front of them damaged their mental health too. There was just no winning.
They always say youll marry someone like your father--but oh no, somehow I married someone like my mother, who made up lies or was completely delusional.
For 37 years, I wasnt allowed to go anywhere except work, the grocery store, to run errands, or to visit HIS family. I wasnt allowed to go to any of my own family functions or even go visit my own family just to visit. I wasnt allowed to have friends, either. He didnt like them and claimed they were bad influences on me--though he used much nastier words than that. Once his parents died, even those family visits stopped, leaving me completely isolated and stuck with just him and our children while they were growing up.
While I was stuck home alone with our son because I wasnt allowed to have friends, he was allowed to do whatever he wanted. He used to go play darts and leave me behind. Trust was strictly a one-way street; I was expected to trust him completely, but I never received that same respect in return. One time, he came home drunk and got out of the taxi staggering. Oh, I was furious. I grabbed him by the scruff of his neck and threw him onto the couch. He also used to go to other peoples houses to practice darts, and I remember him coming home and telling me about a woman named Sheila who was hitting on him. If I had ever been in a situation like that and hadnt left immediately, I would have been criticized, torn down, and called every nasty name in the book.
He criticized everything I did or enjoyed--like playing with graphics, making animations, or creating computer games for the kids to play. No matter what interest I had, he tore it down and claimed I was wasting my life simply because I wasnt catering to him every second of the day. I was depressed for 37 whole years with him. I even have physical scars from those years; when he would stand over me calling me names, I would cut myself with a knife just trying to get him to stop. When I was trapped in the vehicle with him while he screamed at me, I would threaten to jump out--and twice, I actually did jump out and had to hide in the bushes just to escape him.
If I didnt do what he said or think what he wanted me to think, he would revert to screaming at the top of his lungs, calling me every name under the sun. Being me, I would try to out-holler him just to be heard. Of course, hed always claim, Oh, Ill change. Yeah, that change never came. It just kept getting worse and worse.
He was constantly accusing me of cheating on him, even though I never left the house except for work and errands. Honestly, I wish I had, because thats what he deserved. They say that people who cheat project that onto the person theyre in a relationship with, and it makes me wonder if he was operating out of a guilty conscience all along. After all, he was also a truck driver, and you know what they say--no offense to anyone. But Ive only ever known men to be users, and he was no different. Actually, he was worse--because at least the others disposed of me and left me alone.
This is what happens when people get trapped with someone. He destroyed my credit before I could even get a credit card of my own. Back when I worked at Walmart and we only had one child, he was running up my phone bill calling 1-900 chat lines. Then there was a girl named Jennifer he was talking to on the computer and calling while I was at work--I only found out because of the long-distance charges on my phone bill. Her username was unstable on prednisone, and he was flirting with her on Yahoo Chat just like all the other girls.
He would force me to get cell phones in my name, break them, tell me he wouldnt go to work without one, and then refuse to pay the bill. Then my name would go to collection agencies. He did that with so many things, including the phone and cable bills. He would make me ask my dad to co-sign at Leons and Wacky Wheatleys, and if I said no, I was verbally abused. That wasnt the only thing I wasnt allowed to say no to.
He was constantly throwing my exes names in my face and calling me by his ex-girlfriend Tammys name--a woman he nicknamed Snuffleupagus--doing it strictly on purpose just to hurt me. He was constantly twisting everything around, always trying to catch me in a lie by asking me the exact same questions over and over and over again. Half of that shit I dont even fucking remember anymore. I even forced myself to stop dreaming. I used to wake up to him questioning me while I was sleeping, trying to trap me into saying something. Somehow, I forced myself to block out dreaming, and I hardly ever dream anymore.
Yet he thinks I want to go back to that. He doesnt realize what a monster he is. He keeps making up new numbers to text me and creating new email addresses just to harass me. Ive blocked so many Ive completely lost count.
Even now that our kids are grown adults, whenever they try to have a normal conversation with him, it always turns into him trying to dig for information about me. Hell say to them, Oh, is she out with her boy toys? I dont leave this fucking house unless its for work or errands! I told him over and over again that if I ever left him, I would never want another man again in my whole entire life--that Id turn lesbian first. And I stand by that.
The only reason I continue to pay the internet and hydro over at that house is because one of my adult children is still living there. I plan on taking that house back after he dies. I have a deep attachment to it because I raised my kids there--including my son Jeffrey, who passed away. If not for that, I would just sell it and take my half. There is only a year left to pay on the mortgage, but then I still have to pay off a loan he tricked me into signing that is tied to the house. Whenever I tell him Im never coming back, he tries to manipulate and threaten me, even taunting me with my family heirloom jewelry in my jewelry box because all my belongings are still over there except for my clothes. I want that house paid off, clear of that loan, and fixed up so that when I die, my kids have something they can either live in or sell and split the money.
In a recent message, he bragged about how much money he used to make. He was always throwing in my face that he made more than me. Funny thing is, he was constantly calling in sick, whereas I never called in sick. And if he was making all this money, why were our hydro and phone constantly being cut off? I suppose that was my fault too. Everything was my fault.
When I was forced to go back to work because my unemployment ran out--and had to take two Pfizer shots that gave me autoimmune diseases--I managed to get all the bills paid. Why? Because I stopped letting him control my money, and I stopped telling him how much I had in the bank. So if he made so much more money than me, why were we so much better off when I was the one managing everything?
Before, when hed dictate that I pay the bills and get groceries, hed also demand takeout constantly. Thats probably why HE was the one who had two heart attacks and became diabetic, not me. If I didnt buy what he demanded, Id get bitched at, yelled at, and called names. If I said no to anything, I was abused, and then we wouldnt have money for the bills because he forced me to buy shit we shouldnt have been buying. But according to him, it was my fault the bills didnt get paid.
The more time I spend away from him, the more I hate him every single day. I wasted my whole entire fucking life on a demon.
He always thought I was going to end up wealthy after my dad died because my father originally had it in his will that if he passed, I would receive money and be put in control of the funds to look after my Down syndrome brother. My ex was hovering, expecting to get his hands on that. But with my help, my dad ended up getting a girlfriend. Years ago, when we lived in an apartment building on Ellerdale Street, my dad had a crush on a woman there. She had a man at the time, and I used to babysit her daughter. Well, years later, I bumped into her at Parkway Mall and she told me she was single. As soon as I got home, I called my dad and told him. They ended up coincidentally bumping into each other at a bar, got together, and stayed together until the day my father died.
I was extremely thankful for her. Before she came along, I used to constantly worry about my dad getting home safely whenever he went out. I would track him down and tell him, I need your car, call me when you need a drive--sometimes picking him up at 3:00 in the morning. His girlfriend took that role over and kept him safe. He used to say she drove him crazy sometimes, but he loved her, and they truly cared for each other. When my dad passed away, it turned out he had updated his will, leaving everything to her. It didnt bother me at all. In fact, I was relieved. If I had gotten that money, my ex would have been right up my ass trying to control it.
Now, on top of everything, he has severe mental health issues from taking duloxetine. It made him delusional, caused hallucinations, and left him stuck in a complete psychosis. He keeps saying things like, Oh, Im gonna be a millionaire, Im gonna be rich, youre all gonna regret not believing me. He claims that Jesus is the most important thing in his life now and that hes such a changed man, that hes not who he used to be. He thinks he was touched by God and Jesus, that hes special and anointed.
He definitely isnt the man he used to be, because honestly, I preferred the plain narcissist over the crazy narcissist. The man he is right now is the one I ran away from. My kids miss the father they used to know--the father who, even though he was rotten with money, put them first. The kids dont even recognize him anymore, and that hurts them so much. Or maybe that father was just another manipulation tactic too, because now he wont even see a doctor. I called the police once to do a mental health wellness check on him, but he knew enough to act completely normal in front of them, making it look like it was all in my head and that nothing was wrong with him.
Hes still torturing me and trying to control me. He hides under fake accounts online just to spy on me. If I post something or simply like someones post, he starts criticizing me and making wild accusations. I feel like Im still in jail.
I wont even voice the thoughts in my head about how to get away from him. Like I said, Im stuck here because my kids need me. What the hell did I ever do to be born into this life? Im the type of person who goes out of my way to help people, yet Ive been stuck with monsters--from my mother to him. My dad was the only one who ever truly loved me, and hes gone now. My adult kids love me, but hes managed to get one of them half-brainwashed, though the rest of them see right through his lies.
He was always looking for ways to manipulate and control the narrative. Years ago, I went to PEI for my grandmothers funeral with my dads girlfriend. Dad was already over there. I left my ex at home with the kids because whenever I brought him to a family function, he made things awkward and made everything all about him. He acted like it was the end of the world that I was leaving for a funeral. He actually threatened to go up the back road and hang himself from a tree just to force me to come all the way back and get him. So I had to bring him, and then he completely ruined the funeral for me by making it all about himself again.
Later on, he kept telling me and the kids that he DID go up the back road and tried to hang himself, but that the branch broke. Personally, I think it was just another lie. That was around the time he started taking those duloxetine pills, and after that, during the lockdowns, he claimed he saw his dead father and Jesus in the hospital when he was in for his first heart attack. Hes always been a compulsive liar and a manipulator; I just didnt realize the full extent of it until later. I wish I could have a do-over in life and still keep my kids.
Even when my son Jeff died, he couldnt stop. When we were sorting things out for the service, Jeffs girlfriend, Tori, kindly offered to handle everything. I was so appreciative because I was in no state of mind to handle it. But of course, my ex had to make that all about him too, complaining that people were taking away from him the fact that it was HIS son.
Ive felt dead inside ever since. Sometimes I get a brief glimmer of happiness, but it never lasts. Im just sticking around for the fight to try and make things better for my kids and my grandkids, because this world feels so cruel and broken.
Ive even been paying for his pills because the pharmacist said he needs them or hell die. What the fuck am I paying for those for? For a man who constantly disrespects me and calls me names if I dont jump when I say jump? He cannot grasp the concept that I have left, that I am not coming back, and that I dont want to. Why would I want to? I truly understand the term sperm donor, because thats all he ever was. When he tries to touch me, it makes me cringe.
I guess this is my venting for the day. He wants me to pretend he was the perfect husband, when in reality he was the total opposite--an absolute nightmare that I lived through. I only stayed because I loved my kids and didnt want them growing up in a broken home like I did, but staying ended up damaging them too.
He treated me like a maid and expected me to do everything--so I did. I did the electrical, the plumbing, mowed the lawn, cleaned up the yard, and did everything inside the house. Yet he would still bitch and complain about things not being done, complain about me not making supper, or complain that I was on the fucking internet.
The internet was my only connection to the outside world. But at least I wasnt doing on the internet what HE was doing. Use your imagination--it was nothing but nasty stuff. Back in the Yahoo chat room days, he would treat random girls he didnt even know better than he treated his own wife. He was Captain Save-a-Hoe, calling me every name in the book while staying up late hoping hed get some from strangers online--and then turn around and complain that I didnt want to be intimate with him after constantly abusing me and treating other women like gold.
After Jeff died and I had to go back to work, my body seized up and I had to go on unemployment again. I used my physical pain as an excuse to get out of our bedroom and move to my own room with a daybed, telling him I needed the bed frame to pull myself up. I never moved back in. My days were spent sitting at the kitchen table away from him, trying to stay awake until he went to sleep because I dreaded having to pass his door to get to mine--you know what hed be bugging me for.
I partly blame this on what I lived through as a child and teenager. My mother chose a man who she allowed to abuse her children--he would beat us with a belt and even burned my Down syndrome brothers fingers on a kerosene heater. Whenever my dad used to come pick us up, my mother and her boyfriend would taunt him relentlessly. One time, my dad got so pissed off by their taunting that he threw a flower pot at her boyfriend and left without us--and all we wanted to do was just get in the car and go with my dad. Experiencing that kind of cruelty and parental alienation made me determined not to let my own kids go through a split home. I figured I would just take the abuse so my children could have parents who were together. But like I said, it still damaged their mental health. I feel like I failed as a mother. Im still fighting for my kids, but they would have had a better life if I had just left. The reality was, I had nowhere to go. I was trapped, which is probably how so many other women feel.
What Ive shared here is just the icing on the cake. There are horrific details, violations, and painful things he did to me that I am not ready or willing to type out. This is simply the small portion of my story that Im comfortable putting into words for now. But even this small fraction is enough to show who he truly is.
I will say this: men like this never change, even though they swear they will. Its a lie. They are narcissists who will tell you whatever you want to hear just to keep you there, manipulate you, and use you like a dish rag--and your kids are the ones who suffer.
My kids are adults now and they still need me around, so Im stuck here just like I was stuck there, and I dont want to be here. I want to be with my son. But I have to keep pushing through.
The moral of the story is: dont stay. If you can find a way out, leave.
If your significant other is like this and you dont have kids yet, having them will NOT make it any better. Leave before its too late.
My message to parents: if you are separated or divorced, just get along for your kids sake. Otherwise, theyre going to go looking for love in all the wrong places. Theyll end up with someone abusive and stay because they dont want their own kids to have separated parents, living a terrible life just like I did. If you care about your kids at all, separate civilly and dont degrade the other parent in front of them.
This is the story I thought I would never tell, yet here I am telling it. Hopefully, things are better in the afterlife.
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